First Post (Just somethings on my chest)

These are some thoughts I have been dealing with lately.
Its like I don't exist anymore, not just in church, I feel like this everywhere, at school, at home, when im alone, even now its like im talking to no one... its like every conversation i have turns in to a one way conversation and it makes me feel like im just complaining everyone. Its gotten to the point where im shoving my feelings deep in my closet, under my bed in the pantry... I'm so fast to bottle things up people around me think i'm bipolar cause one minute i'll be pissed then i'll bottle that emotion up and i know its just destroying me from within. I know im supposed to turn to God but... i dont know i honestly lay at nights sometimes asking God all these questions constantly asking why?... why do i feel like this?.... why is this happening to me?... Honestly i have a lot of nights when i cry myself to sleep and some nights thats the only way i will fall asleep... a lot of nights with frustration, anger, pain. Sometimes i get so mad i just want to give up... right now in life i want to stop going to school, church and just lay in bed waiting for God to take me. One thing im most frustrated with is the youth group, and that means EVERYONE even me. I can't really explain why... i just thought that christians were supposed to be a trend setter not a follower, ive seen all my friends do things un-christian like and saying that "it's just how you have fun" or "everyone else does it" or even "it's fine God will forgive me" i know im being a hypocrite and i need to change but one night in particular pushed me over the edge, it was like everyone was doing it but i felt uncomfortable... i talked to people about it i remember them saying "its just how you have fun its what you do at those things" but usually i would go with the flow but for some reason that night something told me not to so i sat back and watched as the more i watched the more uneasy and disgusted i got... i didnt even want to go to church the next day... and i know its not all their fault but the leaders didnt have one protest it really ticked me off... for some reason now i feel fine about it, its probably bottled up somewhere.... another quick thing i must say is drama... it is not good for the youth group, people dating within is not good, whenever this happens it always ends ugly with the seperation of a youth group, we have had a tremendous growth in our youth and it would honestly kill me and everyone else to see the body of christ split... yeah so those are some things that were on my chest... i hope no one was offended or anything...